New York Stories
All of these (extremely) short stories are true and really happened to me.
CONDIMENTS
Last week I went into the bodega near my apartment. They have a deli in there and I ordered a turkey sandwich on a roll with lettuce and tomato. The woman making the sandwich got halfway done making it then looked up at me and asked “Ketchup?”
GOALS
My friend who is also a stand-up comedian lost the notebook he keeps all his jokes in. He asked me to look around my house for it.
“Why do you even need the notebook?” I asked him, “You remember all of your jokes.”
“Yeah,” he said “But it had goals in it!”
FOLLOW THAT
I was asked to host a local version of The Newlywed Game. This was to take place as the finale of a stand-up comedy show. I asked the host “When the last stand-up comic finishes should I just run up there and start the gameshow?”
She said “No, I’ll bring you on stage.”
She went on stage and did a four-minute-long joke about rape. The audience did not laugh. Then she said “And now, the Newlywed Game…” and left the stage.
DIFFERENCE OF OPINION
I was on the subway and there was a man preaching the word of God. And he was saying “If you only trust Jesus. If you’d only accept Jesus. If you’d only open your heart to Jesus.”
Then a man on the other end of the subway car just started screaming “Jesus Christ is a SLAVE SHIP!!!!”
ANOTHER CRAZY PERSON
I was in Union Square. A short little bald man that looked to be about 40, well-dressed, walked over to me.
“Can you help me?” he asked. I gave him my attention.
He pantomimed holding a small object with his hands. ”About this big…” he said.
Then he said “Do you know Bernie Mac, the guy who died?”
I walked away quickly.
FREE HOTDOGS ALL NIGHT LONG
I went into a bar near Times Square on a Friday night. I bumped into an acquaintance who had a hot dog in one hand and a huge beer in the other hand. ”Hey man!” he said “Isn’t this great?? This bar serves free hot dogs all night long!!!”
I did not have a hot dog because I had already eaten. I left my acquaintance at that bar and travelled to two other bars, then I got on the subway about three hours later.
I did not notice that the same acquaintance was in my subway car with me until I heard the sound of someone vomiting “BleeaaaaaaAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGgggh!!!”
It was free hotdogs all night long.
