You Lost Me
You are a phenomenal woman. You’re smart, sexy, brash, sophisticated and you know your way around the golf course (if you know what I mean! :wink:). All your life you’ve wished for a man who could keep up with you, but they’ve all fallen short. Until you met Jared Logan.
I was everything you could ask for. Powerfully built, possessed with the wit, stoicism and the unflappable conviction of an Ayn Rand protagonist. You don’t like this word but when you think of me ‘Ubermensche’ comes to mind.
We only had four incredible weeks together, but you felt like you’d known me your whole life. Then I dumped you and your entire world came crumbling down. ”Why?” you asked me. ”Why??” Then you asked me “Why??! WHY!?!?” I just shook my head and left the apartment. I didn’t even take my stuff with me. I didn’t have any stuff.
Later, much later, when you were calmer and had had time to reflect, you decided to call me up one night. When you heard my groggy hello you immediately asked me: “WHY?!?!? WHY!??! WHY, GODDAMMIT!?!?! WHY?!??!?!?!”
Click. Don’t ever call me that late again.
You want to know why I dumped you? You want to know why I had to leave? Below are FIVE reasons we broke up. I’m sorry if this hurts, Girl, but you asked.
1.) You wouldn’t lend me the money to make my movie. I shared my dream with you. My dream was making a movie about an evil amusement park run by deranged female sadists that dress as sexy clowns. I already had an outline of the script. I told you it was a guaranteed Sundance Audience Selection at the very least. A showing at Cannes was likely. I even took your suggestion and decided to title the film Scream Park instead of Cream Park as I had originally intended.
But when I asked you to loan me a paltry $35,000.00 just to get us started you said no. I need a woman who is braver than that. I need a woman with BALLS! I need a woman with the courage to follow my dreams.
You’ve got to support me financially and emotionally. And that’s why we broke up.
2.) I found some kind of medical paste in your bathroom cabinet. Frankly, I was disgusted to find some kind of bright blue medical paste in your bathroom. The instructions said to apply it to your mouth, teeth and gums. You mean the mouth, teeth and gums I was kissing every night? GROSS. That’s why your mouth always smelled like peppermint. You were chewing gum every night to cover up the smell of your throat leprosy paste!
And what the hell is a ‘whitening agent.’ Don’t you think you’re white enough? Don’t you think a serious lover like myself should have been informed of any medical problems you might have?
When I found the brush you apply this gunk with it was really over. And that’s why we broke up.
3.) You kept giving me shit about my interest in Popeye. I’m sorry I have a hobby. I’m sorry I really love the classic adventures of Popeye the Sailor Man as related in E.C. Segar’s comic strip and later immortalized by the Max Fleischer cartoons. I know my interest in Popeye must have been threatening to you, especially after I confessed I could never love you as much as I love Popeye in all of his incarnations.
But you didn’t have to cut me off every time I started to do my Popeye impression for our friends.
You didn’t have to paint over the Adventures of Popeye mural I painted in your bathroom. I’ll admit I should have consulted you first. It still hurt to see you reject a gift, freely given.
And you didn’t have to act so damn snobby when my Popeye Fan Club friends stayed with us for a week. I didn’t pay you a lot of attention that week. Sorry. I get one week a year when I get to be around people who truly understand Popeye. I guess that’s asking too much.
You’ve got to understand it’s HEALTHY for your lover to have interests other than you and that sometimes your lover will focus on those interests to the exclusion of you, work, his health and everything else in his life for weeks at a time. But you never understood that. And that’s why we broke up.
4.)The Falsies. I know you were wearing falsies when we started going out and that’s okay. It’s okay that you don’t have huge breasts. Some guys are obsessed with huge, soft, throbbing, milky white breasts. Not me. I’m not one of those guys.
What hurt me is that when I confronted you about wearing falsies (many times!) you insisted that I was mistaken. You insisted that you never padded and you didn’t own some kind of wonder bra. You also got very defensive when I tried to measure your breasts, even though I tried to do it while you were sleeping so it wouldn’t embarrass you.
I’m not crazy. After the first time we had sex your breasts seemed much smaller to me. It’s not my imagination. You probably just stopped wearing the falsies because you thought I was hooked. Yeah, I was hooked. On an illusion.
Our relationship was a falsey. It was an old gym sock stuffed into a sweaty a-cup. That’s why we’re broken up.
5.) You harshed the vibe. There’s simply no other way to say this: You harshed the vibe. My life has a certain vibe. You never got into that vibe.
My vibe is like dolphins, you know? Your vibe is like a big black cloud of wasps. Your wasps kept stinging my dolphins.
No, that’s not it. It’s like my vibe is a caterpillar turning into a butterfly and your vibe is like a caterpillar that never turns into a butterfly because something is genetically wrong with it.
Whatever. That’s not quite right either. The important thing is that I’m getting a definite insect vibe from you. Kind of a buzzy, flitty, many-legged kind of feel.
That’s just not how I jam.
And that’s why we broke up.
I hope you have the answers you were seeking. I leave you with some words of solace.
May the Good Lord be with you down every road you roam
And may sunshine and happiness surround you when you’re far from home
Be courageous and be brave
And in my heart you’ll always remain
Forever Young
Forever Young
For-or-or-or eeeeeeeveeeeeeeeer Yu-uh-ung.
