How to Answer the Question “How Are You?”
I have not blogged in a while. Sorry! I’ve been busy! If you haven’t heard from me in a while the question on your mind is probably: “Jared, how are you?”
This is a difficult question. You have to answer it carefully.
1. ) The Truth (negative). If things aren’t going well, say you’ve had a bad week, and you answer that question truthfully, you will not be well-liked. Nobody wants to ask “How have you been?” and then actually hear some long story about how your sister died or how you’ve been sick with a urinary tract infection. Everybody wants to stay positive! Most everyone you meet has unconsciously adopted the following policy: If I ask how you’ve been you better give a positive answer or you’re a threat to me. Because I have to stay positive to make it through the day and I don’t need you piling your shit on top of my own. I can’t help you! EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!”
2. ) The Truth (positive). So you have to answer the question “How have you been?” with a positive response. But not too positive. If you’ve had a really great week and you are asked that question, you can’t go on and on about how you just fell in love for the first time or how you just finished your novel. If you’ve honestly had a great week and you tell the person about it, you’re a braggart. And nobody likes a braggart. You must not stray from the average level of happiness!
3. )I’m fine. Subsequently, a lot of people make the mistake of thinking the answer to that question should be “I’m fine.” Just responding with “fine” doesn’t work either. Yes, it’s not too positive or too negative. But it lacks originality, energy. If you answer with “fine” most people are going to follow up with the question “Just fine?”
What they’re really saying is: “I go out of the way to ask you how you’re doing and the most you can muster up is a ‘fine’? That’s all the energy you’re going to put into talking to me?” They will assume you are not doing fine. That, in fact, you are doing poorly. In which case, please refer to item #1 above. You will not be well-liked.
4.) Great. Maybe you think you can split the difference by just answering “Great.” It’s brief, not too positive, but lacks the negative connotation of ‘fine’, right?
Wrong. ”I’m doing great” is a terrible response. For some reason it comes off as phoney. You sound like you’re a 1950’s milkman or something. You might as well have answered “Things are going swell.”
“Great” is too positive in a really weird way. It makes you come off as naive. Vietnam happened, man. The holocaust happened. Nobody is “great.”
5.) How are YOU? Don’t respond to the question “How are you?” by asking that person how they’re doing. You can’t just not answer the question and then throw it back in their face. We all know what you’re doing there.
6.) Can’t Complain. One of the better answers to the question “How are you?” is “Can’t complain.” When you say “can’t complain” you’re being honest. You literally can’t complain. You’re saying “If I complain, you’ll just think I’m an asshole.” You’re saying “Look, you know and I know that there’s no way for me to answer that question.” You’re not making a big deal about it but you’re forcing them to confront the reality of the situation. ”It’s a catch-22, man. What do you want from me?”
7.) Same as Always. My favorite response to “How are you?” is “Same as always.” I think it comes off as world-weary but pleasant. The world-weariness of that response ensures you’re not being too positive, but the folksiness of it shows you’re not totally cynical. If said with the right inflection “Same as always” comes off as really wise. Just don’t use the alternate “Same old, same old.” It’s too contrived. What are you, a cowboy?
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So how am I? How have I been doing? Oh, same as always.
