I’m the Fucking Devil
(Today’s Guest Blogger: The Devil)
Haha! It’s me! The fucking Devil! Satan. Beelzebub. The Prince of Tides.
Give me your souls, you stupid pieces of shit!
Now begins the dark dance! I will fart on your entrails! I will swallow your mother’s hope!
A lot of you motherfuckers have been saying you ain’t afraid of the Devil. A lot of you have been saying I don’t exist. Oh, you’re fronting. Don’t think I haven’t noticed your ceaseless fronting!
Bitch, I’ve always been real. I been around since the BC. That’s BEFORE CHRIST, whore. I’m the original gangster. And I will piss in your eyes and turn your dreams into dust.
I ain’t real? I ain’t real??!
Who put the cancer in Diet Coke?
It was me, the Devil.
Why don’t you enjoy sex unless you’re being choked?
The Devil! The Devil!
Who made your kids hate you? Who taught them that?
I was I! The Devil!
Who said, America, it’s okay to be fat!
The Devil! The Devil!
Why can’t you be successful unless you’re a whore?
You stupid babies! The Devil planned it that way!
Who’s the executive producer of Jersey Shore?
The Devil! The Devil!
Who shall ride a storm of flames at the End of Days?
The Devil! The Devil!
Who’s responsible for the Ed Hardy craze?
The Mother. Fucking. Devil.
That’s right.
So when you look out your bus window on a rainy day and you think about your ex-wife and the bills you’ve yet to pay and you realize your life is shitty and things aren’t okay and you wonder what went wrong and you blame it on the gays…
It was me. The Devil. And I made it all happen because I hate you. I fucking hate all of you.
Haha. How ya like me now?
I’ll see you in hell.
