The Middle-aged Male Action Fantasy Genre
The Middle-aged male action fantasy genre currently has two movies in its oeuvre and one star, Liam Neeson.
Liam Neeson was in a movie called Taken which was a surprise hit. He followed it up with a movie called Unknown, which just hit theaters.
These movies are power fantasies for middle-aged guys. The plot of Taken is that some terrorists kidnap Neeson’s college-age daughter and then Liam Neeson exterminates them with extreme prejudice, which he is able to do because he has super-secret special forces skills.
Now replace ‘terrorists’ with ‘liberal pot-smoking horny male grad students’ and you can see how a lot of guys in their fifties could relate to Taken.
Unknown is even more relatable to guys that age. In Unknown Liam Neeson goes on trip to Europe with his wife, gets in a car crash, goes into a coma for four days and when he wakes up his wallet is missing and his wife is nowhere to be found. When he finally tracks her down at some fancy party, she’s on the arm of Aiden Quinn and she says that she’s never met him before. Whaaa?? Liam Neeson is forced to fight a bunch of assassins to get his identity back. He’s able to do this because he has super-secret martial arts skills. And while he’s at it he makes sure to team up with a hot young German chick.
Unknown’s original title had to have been Divorced at 53. It’s a one-for-one metaphor!
Replace “trip to Europe” with “trip to Europe.” Middle-aged guys’ wives are always bugging them to take them to Europe. Hey, that kind of trip costs money!
Replace “car crash” with “D.U.I.” Look, he works hard. He wanted to let off a little steam. He only had seven Tom Collinses!
Replace “goes into a coma for four days” with “worked at Merril Lynch for twenty years and what do I have to friggin show for it?? Adam Stern makes VP and I’m left sitting here in my cubicle with my figure up my ass?? This isn’t how it was supposed to go down, no sir!”
Replace “his wife is nowhere to be found” with “his wife asks him for a divorce.” Self-explanatory. He’s unhappy. Stuck in a dead-end job. Drinking too much.
Replace “Aiden Quinn” with “that no good bastard Adam Stern! It’s not enough he takes my promotion, now he’s banging my wife too??!”
Replace “[his wife] says that she’s never met him before” with “his wife says that she just doesn’t know him anymore.” Wives that divorce you always say that kinda shit. Doesn’t know me? I’m the one that’s been busting my hump for twenty years so you could get your goddamn trip to Europe, Christine!
Okay, you get the analogy. And so did whichever producer greenlit this piece of junk.
See, in Unknown Liam Neeson is doing what every guy going through a mid-life crisis has to do: FIGHTING TO GET HIS IDENTITY BACK! He’s asserting “I’m not some over-the-hill dweeb! I’m the cool guy that kicks ass and stuff!”
Luckily, he has super-secret martial arts skills, so he can fulfill the fantasy of every frustrated 53-year-old dude in America. He can beat the living shit out of everyone and then make time with a much younger woman. Keep your gold watch, you bastards. I’m bedding Diane Krueger! She’s in her early 30s!
I love Liam Neeson and I love that male empowerment fantasies aren’t just for adolescents anymore! We have to make more Middle-aged Male Action Fantasies (from here on referred to as MidmaAcfans) and we need Liam Neeson to star!
*In Swindled Neeson plays Alan Barrister, a hard-working husband and father who makes what he thinks is a reasonable investment…only to have it blow up in his face because he doesn’t really understand the current market! Now he stands to lose everything! His wife, his country-club membership, his car!
“I’m sorry, Mr. Barrister, but we’re going to have to repossess your Porsche”
“NO! Give me back my car! [talking to car] I’ll get you back, baby! I promise! Trust Daddy! I’ll find a way to save you!”
Now Barrister has to kick the ass of every single guy working on Wall Street in order to get his goddamn money back. But he may have met his match when he meets the villain of the pic, MICHAEL DOUGLAS!
That’s right it’s a motherfucking Wall Street cross-over with Gordon Gecko!
Luckily, Liam Neeson has super-secret tae kwon do skills so he’s able to beat everyone up and get his car back. End movie. Tickets are $12.00.
