Be More Vague
It is okay to believe in things as long as you are suitably vague about them.
For example, if I meet a woman at a party and she tells me she believes in ghosts, I will think that she is a very stupid person because ghosts do not exist. This is why many people who believe in ghosts will immediately follow up their admission by adding something like:
“I mean, I believe there might or might not be an…energy…that we believe is ghosts and this energy hasn’t been completely classified by science yet and that is why we may or may not think of it as supernatural”
This person has now mitigated the sad and blatant ignorance of her previous statement. She is not dumb. She is “open-minded.” She is foot-loose, fancy free. Even though she believes something that is obviously super retarded, I can rest easy in the fact that she is suitably vague about it and probably does not believe it so strongly that it will affect our evening plans. I may even enjoy having an ‘eccentric’ friend like her!
If a person is more specific about their belief in ghosts, however, we have a huge problem. For example, if the same woman told me she believed in ghosts, then followed it up by saying:
“I’ve seen ghosts. My house is haunted and I’ve talked to ghosts!”
Now I’m hoping I can get out of this conversation as fast as humanly fucking possible. This is way too specific! BE MORE VAGUE! I’ve immediately decided this woman is a crackpot. She will probably try to get me to join a pyramid scheme, or attend a reading in a book store that smells funny. No thanks!
The more specific she is, the more my reaction worsens. If, for example, she told me she believed in ghosts and then said:
“Ghosts are the forgotten shades of corpses who have had the buttons stolen from their waistcoats by blasphemous grave-robbers!”
Now I have a responsibility to inform the host of the party that there is a schizophrenic on the loose at his shin-dig. Probably we will have to spend many hours trying to contact her next-of-kin to pick her up so they can check her into a mental health facility. What a drag.
Do you see how being extremely vague makes her a more acceptable person? BE MORE VAGUE.
Oddly enough, this same strategy also works when discussing the existence of God.
Let’s say I am meeting an acquaintance for a cup of coffee at one of the trendy cafes I frequent. Let’s also suppose that, for some horrible reason, the topic of religion happens to come up. If this person says to me “I believe in God,” my immediate reaction is “Uh oh. Somebody didn’t go to college.”
However, my acquaintance can ease my fears about his belief in God by saying something we often hear people say about God. Something along the lines of:
“Well, I believe that god is, like, a shapeless, faceless, energy/force that sort of pervades everything and can become and is anything or nothing.”
Ah! Suitably vague! Maybe this guy did go to college after all, even if it was his safety school! By making God an incredibly vague all-encompassing criteria-free proposition, this gentleman removes all potential conflict from his really shitty opinion. His God is so vague that even by disagreeing with him…I’m sort of agreeing with him. I can rest easy, knowing that I’m speaking to a rational person. I will categorize this acquaintance as someone who is “very spiritual.”
But! If my acquaintance tells me that he believes in God and then follows that up by saying:
I believe that God had a son named Jesus and that this book, the Holy Bible, is a true account of things that God did…
Too specific! Too much detail! I don’t like that he added that detail! Now I can’t possibly agree with him. Now, I sort of hate him. And it’s not just me that will have a problem with his opinion. Millions of Jews and Muslims will also take issue! This guy is basically pissing off a lot of people for no good reason at all. Lots of people would think it’s a good idea to murder him now. And all because he was too specific.
It could be worse. My acquaintance might say he believes in God and then go on to say:
In fact, I believe there are many Gods. There is Vishnu, in all his glory, Shiva, who will one day destroy the world, and Ganesha, who has the face of an elephant.
A LIST OF SPECIFIC GODS? Are you totally daft? Are you ‘collecting them all’? What are their super-powers? What sort of fanciful rabbit-hole of wrong-headed gibberish did this bullshit fall out of? Put it back because I don’t want to be subjected to it. Honestly, if this is a religion it needs some re-organizing because it’s the 21st Century and people have picture-phones now. It’s a little late in the game to worship elephants because your great grandfather’s people were routinely trampled by them.
1000 % too much detail! This is the future and the future is VAGUE.
In our complex modern world, being vague is your steadfast ally. We need look no further than our political leaders. The president, senators, governors — these people have achieved far more than any of us can hope for. They are rich and popular and decide the fate of provinces! They are also always really vague.
The politician at his podium will say:
We are going to create jobs!
You may be tempted to ask “What kind of jobs?” or “How will we create them?”
The politician’s answer will always be “I can’t tell you that!”
If he gets more specific, less people will like him, and being liked his ONLY JOB.
We are going to fight evil! We are going to implement change! We are going to foster hope!
Now these are campaign promises ANYONE can get behind. Let’s worry about the details later. Or never. In the meanwhile, let’s all try to be more vague.
