Dating by the Numbers
What follows is my full-proof dating plan that uses the 3 C’s: Compliments, Conversation Starters & Closers. By using these carefully chosen word constructions you can determine the viability of a woman as your mate in as little as 10 minutes.
COMPLIMENTS
I generally like to open with some compliments. Women love compliments.
*“Compared to you, every other woman in this room is a fat, disgusting pig.”
*“Have you ever had cosmetic surgery? No? Not even your face? Because your face looks like it was designed by someone.”
*“I love your outfit. I can tell you’re spontaneous. You’ll just throw on whatever and that’s what you’re wearing for the night. That’s fun.”
*“I like your shoes and I’m not just saying that because women think guys look at their shoes.”
*“Looking at you, I can tell that you’re nearing your goal weight.”
*“What celebrity do you get a lot? Let me guess. Everybody Loves Raymond’s Patricia Heaton? Slow down. She played the wife, not the mom. The mom was Doris Roberts. Do you like that show?”
*“Do you have a tattoo? I bet I can guess where it is and what it’s of. Let me see. Do you have the Tasmanian Devil pissing on the Chevy logo on your inner thigh? No? It’s Tweety Bird?”
*“You have a healthy color and a good body shape. I bet if we fed you enough you’d have no problem carrying a child to term. Don’t you think C-sections are for anemics?”
CONVERSATION STARTERS
Once you’ve gotten the ball rolling with some compliments, it’s time to really get to know each other using these fun conversation starters.
These questions are all used by popular dating websites to gauge compatibility.
I’ve included the date’s possible answers, what those answers mean, and I’ve highlighted the best answers.
“If we had a child, and we found out it was going to be born retarded, would you want to have it aborted?”
YES = hates retarded people
NO = loves retarded people (+ that means she’s kind-hearted)
“Did you like that book The Kite Runner?”
YES = Pro-muslim
NO = Pro-American (+ patriotic)
“How does the idea of being hit hard in the face during sex make you feel?”
GOOD = Daddy Issues
BAD = Daddy Issues
NOSTALGIC = Daddy Issues, but she’s gotten over them (+ Not dwelling on her past. Father probably dead)
“Did you see that episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where Ray loses his wedding ring because it falls down a drain and he has to have Robert help him hide it from the stunning Patricia Heaton?”
YES = She probably has only basic cable.
NO = She doesn’t watch the iconic comedy series of the last 12 years and doesn’t base her relationships on its plots. Weird.
SHE PREFERS AN HBO SERIES = Nice. She has premium cable. (+ Premium cable and DVR)
Do you ever use narcotics harder than, say, marijuana?
YES = We’d probably have good sexual chemistry.
NO = You seem responsible. (+1 relationship material!) Follow up question: would you be hesitant to lend your boyfriend money to buy narcotics harder than, say, marijuana?
MAYBE = She seems soft on drugs.
How do you feel about mothers who are VERY involved in their son’s lives i.e. romantic relationships? I’m asking for a friend that has this issue.
FINE WITH IT = Not great. You kind of want Mom and wife to have a hilarious antagonistic relationship like on Everybody Loves Raymond.
HATES IT = This is better. Let the sparks fly! (+ the show writes itself!)
UNSURE HOW SHE FEELS ABOUT IT = Follow up question: Well, as a mother, do you plan to be involved in your son’s dating life? You’re not a mother? Oh. I should never assume that.
Are you a Christian?
YES = Bad in bed, but ironically good at child-rearing!
NO = She believes the image of a man, hanging from a cross, screaming to the heavens as a crown of thorns rips into his flesh causing him to shed bloody tears has no place in the bedroom (+ It probably doesn’t!)
CLOSERS
Eventually, once you’ve explored her personality and determined whether she’s good dating material by tallying up her score from the questions above, it’s time to CLOSE. You either want to SEND HER HOME or TAKE HER HOME. Let’s start with SEND HER HOME phrases.
SEND HER HOME
- I really enjoyed meeting you. But then I felt like everything that occurred after meeting you was a big waste of time.
- Well, this was fun. But I have to go straight to work now. Yes, at 11pm. I’d give you a ride home but my car is a hybrid and it only seats 1.5 people.
- Looks like we should pay the bill. Speaking of which, I hope to vote for Newt Gingrich in 2012. Oh, you’re leaving? Okay, bye.
- Now’s probably a good time to tell you that I’m bisexual and I’m in a relationship.
- Have you ever gone on a date and then at the end of it you suddenly feel like you might be gay?
TAKE HER HOME
- I don’t want to come on too strong, but as far as I’m concerned, you belong to me now.
- Hey, I just bought Everybody Loves Raymond Season 5 on DVD. Want to go back to my place, put on sweat suits, and help me pay bills while we watch it?
- I hope you’ll let me see you again. Even if it’s from afar. Like through a window across the street.
- If I don’t go home with you tonight, I’ll kill myself. And if you’re the type of person who can live with that, I’m not sure we should date.
- You know, I’ve been around the block a couple of times. I’ve dated a lot of women. But after some soul-searching, I took a long look at my life, and what’s missing in it, and I realized I’m finally ready to pay half the rent on a one bedroom apartment.
- You know, even if you didn’t think we hit it off, I feel lucky just to have spent this short amount of time with you. You’re a phenomenal woman. I now know why the Caged Bird sings. Also, you’ve made me realize I like the book The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. No? This isn’t working?
