50 Nasty Insults for Any Occasion
1. Your sister likes it dirty!
2. Is that your ass or a low-hanging backpack filled with dead kittens?
3. Take your hat off. Oh. I’m sorry. That’s your stupid hair!
4. For a man, you sure do have bodacious tits!
5. OK. Who ordered the MOUTH-BREATHER?
6. I always root for the Little Guy, that’s why I root for your penis!
7. Thought I might have the flu but then I remembered your ugly face makes me throw up.
8. Your body is like a dollop of sour cream.
9. Your father called. He’s still dead!
10. Your freckles make you look like you were sitting by a pumpkin when it exploded!
11. I’m sorry. Were you talking? I thought someone just had AM radio on!
12. You’re kind of racist. And by that I mean “HEY! THIS GUY’S A RACIST! GET HIM!”
13. Where’d you get that nose? From the BEFORE photo in a plastic surgery book?
14. Some people have thyroid problems but I can tell you’re fat because you’re lazy.
15. Somehow after a shower you just look even greasier.
16. Your adult acne is ruining this party.
17. Hey, how much to catch a venereal disease from you?
18. Is that a SCAR?!? Oh, that’s just your mouth.
19. You remind me of that part in The Human Centipede where people shit in each other’s mouths.
20. You look like I feel. I’m suicidal.
21. You’re a real GROUND-HUGGER, you know that? A low-lying specimen.
22. If I had a big dark basement, I’d lock you in it and use stories of you to scare children into eating their Go-Gurts.
23. Your face looks like one of those optical illusion faces where you can turn it upside down and you see another face.
24. When God made you, he decided to abandon us.
25. You have an old soul. Your face is also old.
26. When you were born I bet the doctor was like “Oh my God! It’s not a baby! It’s a gigantic tapeworm!”
27. You look like something I’d find in my couch.
28. Is your vagina coin-operated or can I run a credit card?
29. You’re like what if a cabbage fart were a person.
30. Does your voice ever cause epilepsy?
31. Where are you from? I mean WHICH CIRCLE OF HELL IN DANTE’S INFERNO?
32. Here, put on this mask. Now also leave!
33. You’re why the terrorists hate us.
34. The idea of you not existing makes me want to masturbate.
35. Hold still so I can hit you with my truck.
36. Did someone dig up the septic tank in my yard? Oh, you’re here. That explains it.
37. If I saw you naked I’d have to enact a real-life rendition of the ritual mutilation that ends Sophocles’ masterwork Oedipus Rex.
38. Hey pizza-face! You’ve got a big nose!
39. Every time I see you I’m reminded of how unfair life is.
40. Sorry, every time I let the dog out I want to check if you need out too.
41. OH MY GOD! ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?? Oh, you’re always like this?
42. I hated you when I first met you. And now.
43. If you were murdered I’d want to listen to what the killer had to say.
44. I could use you as a counter-argument for Intelligent Design.
45. Are you a cutter? You should be.
46. I’d punch you in the face but I think touching your face would be disgusting.
47. Are you a dead walrus?
48. How about instead of hearing your opinion I put on some cartoons for you and get you a juicebox?
49. A conversation with you is like changing an adult diaper. It just keeps unfolding to reveal new horrors.
50. You remind me of Piers Morgan.
