I Got a Kindle!
I got a Kindle! Lots of people don’t have Kindles, but I have one now. It’s how I read the New York Times and the world’s greatest novels. Other people like books. Not me.
Books take up space. Kindles don’t, because Kindles are flat. In the future (where I’m livin’!) everything is flat. TVs are flat, computers are flat. The U.S. has adopted the British custom of calling an apartment a flat. In the future, all architecture will be flat because we’ll all live in different ‘levels’ underground to avoid the superstorms that rage on the planet above. And if you don’t believe me about superstorms you should see two movies: An Inconvenient Truth starring Al Gore and The Day After Tomorrow starring Jake Gyllenhall. In the future, even womens’ chests will be flat due to all the rampant breast cancer caused by the superstorms. The future is FLAT, y’all.
Books get frayed and worn if you actually read them. Their pages turn yellow and the covers get all torn up and fall off. Not so with Kindle, my friends! Kindles are like iPhones. If you drop it once, it’s destroyed, and you go buy a new one. You don’t have the money for a new one?? Why did you buy one in the first place?
Kindles never get worn or frayed because there is a whole catalogue of lovely Kindle carrying cases to choose from. I’ve already purchased seven different cases that I will change out depending on my mood. The Kindle cases I have purchased are in the following styles: 1) Moleskin Leather 2) Vera Bradley Paisley 3) New York Knicks Logo 4) A Game of Thrones cover (so it always looks like you’re reading A Game of Thrones) 5) Fashionista Fuschia! 6) Covered in Binary Code 7) Recyclable Brown Paper Bag
So if I get up and I want my Kindle reading to reflect the fact that I’m a fan of the New York Knicks, I just put on my case that’s covered with Knicks logos. If I want people to think I’m reading pornography, I just slip on my Recyclable Brown Paper Bag case. My Kindle is protected from damage…and banality!
About the only advantage that a normal book has over a Kindle is that with a book other people can see what you’re reading. Let’s face it, you don’t struggle through James Joyce’s Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man for your own enrichment! You read it on the bus so that some hot chick with glasses will see it and talk to you (and later have sex with you.)
You can’t see what book someone is reading on a Kindle but who cares? People can tell you’re reading on a Kindle! Reading on a Kindle trumps the status value of any book you could be reading because reading on a Kindle shows that you’re a young professional with money (or who has parents that have money). A Kindle says “It doesn’t matter what I’m reading. I’m reading it with at least $1200 in my bank account!”
Add a stylish case and you’re golden!
In conclusion, some people like the Nook. Fuck those people.
P.S. YES, my Kindle is a Kindle Fire. Do I look like a slope-browed stubble-jawed laborer from some shanty town? JESUS.
