Women Hate Movies
I am a feminist. I believe that women should be afforded all of the same rights as men because women can do anything men can do. My favorite actress is a woman. My favorite (children’s) author is a woman. My favorite dentist is a woman.
But there is one area of life where women and men are not equal. It is that integral component that forms a part of the core of all human existence: movies. Women hate movies.
Understand that I do not mean that women have poor taste in movies. Many movies marketed toward women are in poor taste, but that is not the issue. I believe that women do not really like those movies. Women do not like any movies.
Prove it? Fine. But my evidence will be completely anecdotal.
During those times when I have been in a relationship with a woman (several times!) I have tried to sit down and watch a movie with her. It never goes well. Here’s an example of a scene that has played out many times while watching a movie with a girlfriend…
[Movie begins. On screen a man enters the frame and enters a house]
Girlfriend: “Who’s that?”
Me: “I don’t know.”
[Man on screen begins going through old pictures, then lights one on fire]
Girlfriend: “Why is he doing that?”
Me: “I don’t know.”
[several seconds pass]
Girlfriend: “Should I make popcorn?”
Me:…
[Several minutes pass on screen. A woman enters. Kisses the man on screen]
Girlfriend: “Is that his wife?”
Me: “I. DON’T. KNOW.”
Girlfriend: “Why are you mad at me?”
Me: ”I’m not!”
Girlfriend: “I just want to know what’s going on!”
Me: “Me too! But you have to WATCH THE MOVIE! YOU CAN’T JUST KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING RIGHT AWAY! YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT! THAT’S HOW YOU FIND OUT WHAT’S GOING ON!!! BY WAAAATCHIIIIIIING IIIIIIIIIIT!!!!”
Girlfriend: (glares at me, then picks up and begins reading back of DVD box)
Cut to: relationship over
This has truly happened several times. Understand, I am not saying women have trouble shutting up for two hours to watch one goddamn movie. I am not saying that. I am explicitly not making that statement.
Other anecdotes:
*My girlfriend in college once made me turn off Sexy Beast fifteen minutes in because she couldn’t understand what the characters on screen were saying. Because the actors were British!
*My last girlfriend fell asleep during Alfred Hitchcock’s Vertigo! VERTIGO!!!
*I recently had a conversation with a female colleague who announced that she has asked for her money back from the box office at no less than 9 different movies. Who does that? You can’t have your money back because you don’t like a movie. That’s like sending back oysters because you remember halfway through eating them you don’t like seafood. I asked her which movies were ones where she asked for her money back. She listed three:
1) Old School
2) Our Idiot Brother
3) Horrible Bosses
Those aren’t even BAD movies. You may not like them. I may not like them. But they’re not insultingly bad films. At worst they are mediocre. But it has nothing to do with taste! You know what I think? I think she just decided while she was in the movie theater that she’d rather not be watching a movie. You can’t have your money back if you suddenly decide you’d rather go for a walk! These are the actions of a person who hates movies.
*As a kid, when I would watch a movie with my mother and father, my mother would just start saying my dad’s name during scary or thrilling parts. The second somebody drew a gun or began coming up behind someone with a knife my mother would start going
“Bill.”
“Bill.”
“Bill.”
Finally, one time my dad threw up his hands and said “What woman?? What?? What do you want me to do??!”
What did she want him to do? Go into the movie and save the person in danger?
Probably she just wanted him to shut it off. Because women hate movies.
But Jared, you say, what about my friend who took all her girlfriends to see Bridesmaids or the Sex and the City movie? Those women don’t like movies. They like watching women be in charge of gigantic multi-million dollar enterprises.
But Jared, what about my female friend who loves Beaches or Fried Green Tomatoes or Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? That woman doesn’t really like movies. She likes crying. An activity all women enjoy.
Even women who make movies don’t like movies. I don’t think Meryl Streep likes movies. I think she likes acting. Sofia Coppola? At best she is fine with movies. They don’t bother her. She thinks movies are just okay. For proof of this see Godfather Part III or Marie Antoinette.
Look, I don’t pretend to know why women hate movies. I’m not going to roll out some sexist theory that women are more emotional and engaging completely with a movie can actually be traumatizing for them. I’m not going to do that.
I don’t even think it’s a bad thing to hate movies. Fuck movies. There are many other avenues of life that are more important than sitting on your ass and watching movies. In general I believe women are more interested in other activities, like making the man they have sex with run errands with them.
I just wish women would admit they hate movies. Just be up front about it. Next time I ask a woman to go see a movie I wish she would just say no…BECAUSE SHE HATES MOVIES. Not because of, you know, something I did.
