January 2012
7 posts
Be More Vague
It is okay to believe in things as long as you are suitably vague about them.
For example, if I meet a woman at a party and she tells me she believes in ghosts, I will think that she is a very stupid person because ghosts do not exist. This is why many people who believe in ghosts will immediately follow up their admission by adding something like:
“I mean, I believe there might or...
Let Me Collect My Thoughts
INVENTION IDEA:
A machine where you put a quarter in and it punches you in the face. Hard. I would sell to boardwalk arcades and Dave & Buster’s franchises.
REALITY SHOW IDEA:
Candleboss. A show where creative candle-makers compete to make the most elegant and unique candles. Hosted by Rowdy Roddy Piper (?)
BOOKS (TO READ)
Stieg Larsson’s The Girl Who Got Raped then Raped...
Henry Darger, Stand-up Comic
From Wikipedia:
“Henry Joseph Darger, Jr. (ca. April 12, 1892 – April 13, 1973) was a reclusive American writer and artist who worked as a custodian in Chicago, Illinois.[1] He has become famous for his posthumously-discovered 15,145-page, single-spaced fantasy manuscript called The Story of the Vivian Girls, in What is known as the Realms of the Unreal, of the Glandeco-Angelinian War...
A Simple Blog for Simple Working People
What follows is the employee newsletter that I send out to all employees of JaredLogan.com. My leadership inspires them.
Life doesn’t get any better than this.
A ceiling. Four walls. One room. A small radiator that provides an un-ostentatious amount of heat. One electric lightbulb swinging above you, providing a warm glow with which to read the Approved literature and the pamphlets...
Psychology Today (May 1911)
Guys, just wanted to share this article I got out of a copy of Psychology Today dated May 1911! It’s so wrong!
CARL JUNG: THE COMPONENTS OF PSYCHE
by Lucien Danberry-Ellsworth (Masters Creative Writing)
A proper understanding of the work of Carl Jung requires that the student master the four components that make up the Persona or soul:
Ego, Self, Shadow, and Poop-Hole.
The Ego is...
10 Traditional Yiddish Folk Sayings
These ten traditional Yiddish folk sayings come from the Old Country.
1. “His house, it seems to be in order, but his wife, she’s making phonecalls!”
2. “If his chickens are laying eggs full of blood, then this man is hatching betrayals!”
3. “She has a panic room but it’s filled with old coats!”
4. “His great generosity is a feathered...
Dating by the Numbers
What follows is my full-proof dating plan that uses the 3 C’s: Compliments, Conversation Starters & Closers. By using these carefully chosen word constructions you can determine the viability of a woman as your mate in as little as 10 minutes.
COMPLIMENTS
I generally like to open with some compliments. Women love compliments.
*“Compared to you, every other woman in this room is a...
December 2011
5 posts
50 Nasty Insults for Any Occasion
1. Your sister likes it dirty!
2. Is that your ass or a low-hanging backpack filled with dead kittens?
3. Take your hat off. Oh. I’m sorry. That’s your stupid hair!
4. For a man, you sure do have bodacious tits!
5. OK. Who ordered the MOUTH-BREATHER?
6. I always root for the Little Guy, that’s why I root for your penis!
7. Thought I might have the flu but then I...
Today's Guest Blogger: Tunnel Gun Unit 22
//r578891-0003//
MAY252065 14:25hrs Tunnel Gun Sentry Defense System ONLINE
TGSD Unit 22 reporting for duty.
SYSTEMS CHECK: Swivel turret operational / Ammo at FULL / Targeting system calibrated
COMMENCE GUARDIAN MODE
MAY252065 15:03hrs HOSTILE DETECTED! HOSTILE DETECTED! HOSTILE DETECTED!
Targeting…Target locked
Firing Hollowpoint Rounds… Target eliminated. 37...
I Got a Kindle!
I got a Kindle! Lots of people don’t have Kindles, but I have one now. It’s how I read the New York Times and the world’s greatest novels. Other people like books. Not me.
Books take up space. Kindles don’t, because Kindles are flat. In the future (where I’m livin’!) everything is flat. TVs are flat, computers are flat. The U.S. has adopted the...
Animals...They Ain't Like People!
Here’s a conversation I had with a friend last night:
ME: And then on the flight back they showed BBC’s Earth: Frozen Planet and it was this whole documentary about polar bears and penguins and seals and killer whales.
FRIEND: Oooh! Cool!
ME: Yeah, they showed how killer whales, when they want to eat a seal and the seal is on top of some ice, they can’t get to the seal...
Ways to be Weird and then More Weird pt. 1
1.) One way to be weird is you can start a lot of your sentences with “The fact of the matter is…” as in “The fact of the matter is that I’m not hungry enough to get lunch right now.”
A) A way to be even more weird is start your sentences with “The fact of the Master is…” as in “The fact of the Master is that I’m not hungry...
November 2011
3 posts
Assistant District Attorneys: Not That Hot
I’ve noticed that, in TV and movies, assistant district attorneys are always played by super-hot young women. ADAs are always nubile female ingenues who fight for justice while batting the lashes of their big doe eyes. See, for example, Katie Holmes as assistant district attorney Rachel Dawes in Batman Begins.*
The role of the assistant district attorney in media is always that of a sex...
Women Hate Movies
I am a feminist. I believe that women should be afforded all of the same rights as men because women can do anything men can do. My favorite actress is a woman. My favorite (children’s) author is a woman. My favorite dentist is a woman.
But there is one area of life where women and men are not equal. It is that integral component that forms a part of the core of all human existence:...
Bucket List
1.) Make love to a beautiful exotic woman under a waterfall in South America
2.) March into a boardroom and deliver news that destroys the entire company and ruins the life of the evil CEO
3.) Make friends with a wild animal. Try to take it into civilization to live with me. Realize this is wrong and have tearful goodbye, releasing it back into the wild
4.) Erase a super-computer’s...
March 2011
3 posts
TODAY
TODAY 4:00 AM
Watched two episodes of M*A*S*H*, ate beans out of a can, cold.
5:11 AM
Washed out can and fork. Went to bed. Slept. Dreamt of a tree, many stories tall, on a windy plain with dark clouds rolling over head. A voice spoke to me. It said “FIND THE SEED.” Lightning struck the tree and I awoke.
7:23 AM
Showered. Shaved. Used new cologne. Put on “The Hugh...
I'm the Fucking Devil
(Today’s Guest Blogger: The Devil)
Haha! It’s me! The fucking Devil! Satan. Beelzebub. The Prince of Tides.
Give me your souls, you stupid pieces of shit!
Now begins the dark dance! I will fart on your entrails! I will swallow your mother’s hope!
A lot of you motherfuckers have been saying you ain’t afraid of the Devil. A lot of you have been saying I...
West Virginia State Slogans
When I was a kid growing up in West Virginia, the state slogan was “Wild and Wonderful.” You’d see it on the signs you passed as you drove across the state line.
A couple years ago, the state government changed those signs so that they read “West Virginia: Open for Business.”
“Open for Business” is a bad slogan. If it sounds a little sad and...
February 2011
4 posts
The Middle-aged Male Action Fantasy Genre
The Middle-aged male action fantasy genre currently has two movies in its oeuvre and one star, Liam Neeson.
Liam Neeson was in a movie called Taken which was a surprise hit. He followed it up with a movie called Unknown, which just hit theaters.
These movies are power fantasies for middle-aged guys. The plot of Taken is that some terrorists kidnap Neeson’s college-age daughter and then...
The Difference Between You and Most People
You’re one in a million.
You do things your own way. Your way might not be the right way, but it’s your way. In the end you can say “I did it my way.” People will respect that.
When you see them in hell!
You’re an iconoclast. You march to the beat of a different drummer. You think outside the bun.
Most people wouldn’t devote one room of their...
Do You Remember Where You Were?
I don’t think there’s anyone reading this that don’t know exactly where they were standing when they heard the news.
I remember I was down in the stables, giving the horses one last brush down for the night. My family had a horse farm in West Virginia where I grew up. Horses are majestick creatures. They have such large teeth!
I’m brushing the mane of our prize...
September 2010
1 post
Strawberry Yogurt Reviews #2: LaYogurt Light...
I am not sure what probiotic is, but it’s written in big letters on the side of this yogurt cup.
Ah, it says it boosts immunity and improves digestive health. I should have reviewed this yogurt yesterday as today I have the beginnings of a tiny cold.
The texture is good. Creamy, smooth. But the pieces of real strawberry are pretty pathetic. What are these? Strawberry seeds? I want...
August 2010
6 posts
Strawberry Yogurt Reviews #1: Dannon Light & Fit
Very creamy, excellent texture. Feels like you’re eating ice cream even though you’re eating yogurt. Good chunks of real strawberry and a great strawberry flavor. Marked aspartame aftertaste but this is probably unavoidable in a diet sugar-free product.
All in all, a very solid product from one of the giants in the yogurt business. More good work from the folks at Dannon.
How I Will Explain the Birds & the Bees to My Son
Son, sex is like a bowel movement.
It can give you great joy and relieve a lot of stress.
But, like a bowel movement, you’ve got to be careful when and where you do it. You don’t want to have a bowel movement on the street or on a city bus. You never want to make a bowel movement in your pants. You want to make sure you do it in a clean place using a hygienic receptacle.
I...
Lindsay Lohan's Tears
Don’t we all feel SO SORRY for poor Lindsay Lohan?
She seemed so full of potential. When her father sold her into slavery to Disney at age 12 how could we have known it would end this way?!?
Lindsay Lohan’s tears are so full of sorrow they create a chemical reaction powerful enough to propel an army of tanks and fighter jets. They are this country’s most valuable natural...
Girlfriend Clothes
There is nothing sadder than a man walking around in clothes that his girlfriend obviously picked out for him.
Today I was walking on the UWS with the woman I am currently seeing. She pointed out a man, walking down the street with his girlfriend. This man had a pastel green striped polo shirt on.
“Oh! That would like nice on you!” said the girl I am currently seeing.
...
Funny Thought of the Day!
Who’s going to take care of you when you get old? Wouldn’t just be better to die before your mind and body fail you?
Circuitry Tattoo
I saw a guy on the subway train with a tattoo like this:
This wasn’t the tattoo I saw. The one I saw had WAAAAAAAAY more circuitry running all the way up and down the guy’s arm.
I was immediately kind of revolted. I am not judging all tattoos and people who have tattoos. I will simply say I don’t understand the appeal of a lot of body art.
Why (WHY?!) for the love of God...
July 2010
2 posts
Best Men
Best Man wedding speeches are, 99.999% of the time, the most embarrassing part of any wedding. And weddings are embarrassing in general. Any event where your 56-year-old Aunt Helen is doing the Electric Slide is not a party anyone wants to attend. But the Best Man speeches, oh, they are the worst.
Most people fear public speaking and, hence, are extraordinarily bad at it. It’s worse...
M. Night Shyamalan
M. Night Shyamalan scored big box office with The Last Airbender. He’s got a new movie coming out called Devil which bills itself as “From the Mind of M. Night Shyamalan.”
I’m glad this one came from his mind because it seemed like he pulled the last couple out of his ass.
I didn’t know you could bill a movie based on the part of a person’s psyche it came...
April 2010
6 posts
Roommates!
Oh man, my roommates are so annoying!!! I hate my roommates! I just hate them! Hate them!
Like the other day, I wanted to watch TV and my roommate was watching TV!!! What? How am I supposed to watch TV if my roommate is sitting there, facing the TV, watching it? What if we don’t want to watch the same program? (we don’t!) What if my roommate laughs at the show we’re...
New York Stories
All of these (extremely) short stories are true and really happened to me.
CONDIMENTS
Last week I went into the bodega near my apartment. They have a deli in there and I ordered a turkey sandwich on a roll with lettuce and tomato. The woman making the sandwich got halfway done making it then looked up at me and asked “Ketchup?”
GOALS
My friend who is also a stand-up comedian lost...
You Lost Me
You are a phenomenal woman. You’re smart, sexy, brash, sophisticated and you know your way around the golf course (if you know what I mean! :wink:). All your life you’ve wished for a man who could keep up with you, but they’ve all fallen short. Until you met Jared Logan.
I was everything you could ask for. Powerfully built, possessed with the wit, stoicism and the...
How to Answer the Question "How Are You?"
I have not blogged in a while. Sorry! I’ve been busy! If you haven’t heard from me in a while the question on your mind is probably: “Jared, how are you?”
This is a difficult question. You have to answer it carefully.
1. ) The Truth (negative). If things aren’t going well, say you’ve had a bad week, and you answer that question truthfully, you will not...
March 2010
2 posts
Good Acting
Someone in an interview recently asked me if I’m a good actor. I can answer that question, but what is my answer worth?
“Are you a good actor?”
“Yes I am. I’ll pinky swear to it. I’ll get my mom to sign a note to that effect. Oh, I promise promise promise I’m good.”
It means nothing. Because anyone can say they are an actor and if...
Weird Movies: The Old Dark House
It starts conventionally enough. A group of travellers have to take shelter in an old dark house to escape from a terrible thunderstorm that is making the roads impassable. It’s the classic scary movie trope, and at first glance The Old Dark House is nothing more than an old-fashioned spookfest. Predictable set-up, creepy kooks inhabiting the house, stalwart heroes, cringing heroines....
February 2010
5 posts
Failure is a Type of Success
Guys, even if you’re really successful like me, there are going to be times in your life when things just don’t work out. We have to learn to accept failure because we learn more from our failures than from our successes. Just ask Abraham Lincoln.
FACT: Abraham Lincoln once lost an election!!
FACT: Abraham Lincoln lost cases in court!
FACT: Abraham Lincoln never learned to...
Nicknames for Fast Food Restaurants
McDonald’s is the only fast-food restaurant with a nickname. People call it “Mickey D’s”, which isn’t shorter than “McDonald’s”, but it is cuter. It’s one of those nicknames you use to show affection.
What follows is a list of nicknames for other fast-food restaurants that you can use when you’re out on the open highway with a friend...
World's Fanciest Men - Aleister Crowley
Some men bring new meaning to the word ‘fancy.’ They make it mean ‘badass.’
ALEISTER CROWLEY
BORN: 12 October 1875
DIED: 1 December 1947
OCCUPATION(S): Member of the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn, Leader of the Ordo Templi Orientis, mountaineer, poet, playwright, spy for the British government.
FANCIEST THING HE EVER DID: Spent his honeymoon night INSIDE the...
My Avengers Line-up
Marvel comics is announcing their line-up for their relaunch of the Avengers comic book. The Avengers is a superteam like the Justice League. You may have heard about the upcoming Avengers movie that’s being teased in films like The Incredible Hulk, Iron Man, and the soon-to-be-released Iron Man II, Thor, and Captain America films.
Something I often do instead of getting actual work done...
Expert Advice on Overcoming Writer's Block
Like every writer I occasionally experience writer’s block. Recently, I struggled with a particularly nasty case of the ‘block that lasted seven and a half years. During that time I found it hard to muster enough creative juices to write even the simplest of greeting cards (a side gig I do for the $$). Here’s an example of my greeting card work from that period.
FRONT: No...
January 2010
17 posts
Automatic Funny - Things You Can Say for...
Not everyone is a professional comedian. Luckily, professional comedians provide us with the raw materials we need to be funny in our personal lives. On a date, at a party, during church, we all need that perfect phrase that will help us illicit laughs from our peers. The following is a list of guaranteed crowd-pleasers from the last twenty years. Some have fallen by the wayside, and I...
World's Fanciest Men - Peter Cushing
Some men bring new meaning to the word ‘fancy’. They make it mean ‘badass.’
PETER CUSHING
BORN: 26 May 1913
DIED: 11 August 1994
OCCUPATION: Master Thespian / Officer of the Order of the British Empire
FANCIEST THING HE EVER DID: Having a strain of rose named after his late wife, Helen.
FANCIEST QUOTE: “Teeth are a vitally important part of an actor’s...
Funny Thought of the Day!
50% of all marriages end in divorce, but why worry about that? There’s 0% chance anyone will ever want to marry you.
Weird Movies: Hausu
HAUSU
Okay, this is a reeeeeally weird one.
Last wednesday my roommate and two of my other friends went to check out Hausu (translated as House) at the IFC Film Center in the west village. First of all, if you’ve never been to this theater, ya gotta go. It’s really nice and super comfortable in there and they run interesting shorts before the movie (this time it was David Lynch...
Funny Thought of the Day!
Today, while waiting in line for three hours, I saw the remnants of someone’s bloody bandages laying on the floor of the DMV and thought “overpopulation.”
30 Years of Quality Customer Service
Caption: Me in ten years. A rare moment of happiness as I reflect on my fantastic inner life.
I turned 30 on Saturday. I think too many people stress about turning 30. It’s stupid. They make it this big deal. Not me. I’ve just decided to give myself 26 weeks to achieve all of my grandest ambitions. If I have not achieved every goal I have ever set for myself in six months then...